Post by Anja Nieser on Sept 10, 2006 22:27:10 GMT -5
Forgiving requires strength----Friends, loved ones often hardest to
forgive
Thinking about forgiveness...
I know a former NBA coach who said he would watch a game film over and
over and over.
"After awhile, I'd start to hate all my players,'' he said. "I'd watch
them make the same mistake 6 times and believe they were doing it to me
personally.'' He said that he'd see a player make 2 key mistakes, but it
seemed like 12 because he watched the tape 6 times.
That's why it can be so hard to forgive what sometimes seems a minor
issue. We go over it and over it and over it in our heads. We think about
it at least 10 times, but it actually only happened once.
Sir Francis Bacon said: "We read we ought to forgive our enemies -- but we
don't read that we ought to forgive our friends.'' Actually, we're
supposed to forgive everyone, but it's easier to forgive a stranger or
even a boss than friend or relative. We hold the people closest to us to
higher standards, and tend to be less tolerant when they fall short.
A breakthrough point came for me when someone told me: ``Forgiving is not
the same as reconciling. Forgiving doesn't mean letting a dangerous or
crazy person back into your life.''
Suppose you were sexually or physically abused by someone. You can forgive
them without allowing them into your home. If an uncle once abused you as
a child, you don't leave your kids with him -- even if you have forgiven
him. And, yes, even if the uncle has sincerely apologized and seemingly
changed his life -- well, you still don't take any chances, or tempt him
in an area where he was weak.
In his book Everyone is Normal Till You Get to Know Them, John Ortberg
wrote: "Forgiveness means giving up the right to get even.'' That's
because it's impossible to ever "get even.'' Trying to get even can become
like poison, because it makes us obsess on the wound, it's like picking at
our own scabs with dirty fingernails. Suddenly, the cut is an infection.
In the book Forgiving and Reconciling, Everett Worthington Jr. wrote: "We
usually try to suppress feelings of unforgiveness. We deny that we feel
hate. We think, 'That hurt didn't matter.' Instead of suppressing our
feelings, we mostly come to grips with them.''
We don't want to overestimate our injuries, but it's even more dangerous
to deny that we've been hurt. If you've been in an abusive relationship
for years, counseling may be a part of forgiving. It won't happen in one
day, or one week.
Someone else once told me this story: In ancient days, a form of execution
was to strap a fresh corpse to the back of criminal. The diseases from the
corpse would infect the live body, killing him slowly. Many of us are like
that -- we carry around the corpses of old battles and slights, angry at
some people who are dead or have long forgotten us -- and it's killing us.
It's just a personal opinion, but without God's strength, I have a hard
time forgiving anyone. Over and over, I have to call out to God and say,
"Lord, I'm giving this to you. I can't deal with it by myself.'' Gandhi
said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the
strong.''
For me, it takes God's power to help me see my situation from someone
else's point of view. I resist it. But when I take the time, and sometimes
have others help me see it, then it does become easier to forgive. Rarely
am I 100 % in the right.
Forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting. Some scars will always be
with us. Forgiving also doesn't mean the person won't do it or say it
again. On the job or with our families, sometimes we have to forgive over
and over just to function.
Perhaps my favorite forgiveness quote comes from Lewis Smedes (author of
The Art of Forgiving): "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover
the prisoner was you.''
(source: Terry Pluto, Akron Beacon Journal)
forgive
Thinking about forgiveness...
I know a former NBA coach who said he would watch a game film over and
over and over.
"After awhile, I'd start to hate all my players,'' he said. "I'd watch
them make the same mistake 6 times and believe they were doing it to me
personally.'' He said that he'd see a player make 2 key mistakes, but it
seemed like 12 because he watched the tape 6 times.
That's why it can be so hard to forgive what sometimes seems a minor
issue. We go over it and over it and over it in our heads. We think about
it at least 10 times, but it actually only happened once.
Sir Francis Bacon said: "We read we ought to forgive our enemies -- but we
don't read that we ought to forgive our friends.'' Actually, we're
supposed to forgive everyone, but it's easier to forgive a stranger or
even a boss than friend or relative. We hold the people closest to us to
higher standards, and tend to be less tolerant when they fall short.
A breakthrough point came for me when someone told me: ``Forgiving is not
the same as reconciling. Forgiving doesn't mean letting a dangerous or
crazy person back into your life.''
Suppose you were sexually or physically abused by someone. You can forgive
them without allowing them into your home. If an uncle once abused you as
a child, you don't leave your kids with him -- even if you have forgiven
him. And, yes, even if the uncle has sincerely apologized and seemingly
changed his life -- well, you still don't take any chances, or tempt him
in an area where he was weak.
In his book Everyone is Normal Till You Get to Know Them, John Ortberg
wrote: "Forgiveness means giving up the right to get even.'' That's
because it's impossible to ever "get even.'' Trying to get even can become
like poison, because it makes us obsess on the wound, it's like picking at
our own scabs with dirty fingernails. Suddenly, the cut is an infection.
In the book Forgiving and Reconciling, Everett Worthington Jr. wrote: "We
usually try to suppress feelings of unforgiveness. We deny that we feel
hate. We think, 'That hurt didn't matter.' Instead of suppressing our
feelings, we mostly come to grips with them.''
We don't want to overestimate our injuries, but it's even more dangerous
to deny that we've been hurt. If you've been in an abusive relationship
for years, counseling may be a part of forgiving. It won't happen in one
day, or one week.
Someone else once told me this story: In ancient days, a form of execution
was to strap a fresh corpse to the back of criminal. The diseases from the
corpse would infect the live body, killing him slowly. Many of us are like
that -- we carry around the corpses of old battles and slights, angry at
some people who are dead or have long forgotten us -- and it's killing us.
It's just a personal opinion, but without God's strength, I have a hard
time forgiving anyone. Over and over, I have to call out to God and say,
"Lord, I'm giving this to you. I can't deal with it by myself.'' Gandhi
said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the
strong.''
For me, it takes God's power to help me see my situation from someone
else's point of view. I resist it. But when I take the time, and sometimes
have others help me see it, then it does become easier to forgive. Rarely
am I 100 % in the right.
Forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting. Some scars will always be
with us. Forgiving also doesn't mean the person won't do it or say it
again. On the job or with our families, sometimes we have to forgive over
and over just to function.
Perhaps my favorite forgiveness quote comes from Lewis Smedes (author of
The Art of Forgiving): "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover
the prisoner was you.''
(source: Terry Pluto, Akron Beacon Journal)